You know what seriously sucks? When your friends move away. Especially your healthy friends. I had like minded people who wanted to exercise and who were willing to do things with me. So now, I have nobody who is interested in fitness. I want to do a Spartan in May, but not a single friend of mine will commit to it. I have begged and pleaded and I have recieved silence. Now, let me change that up. I could call any of my friends and say, “hey want to go have lunch?” They would ask when and where. Why is it so hard to find active friends? Friends who offer accountability? Friends who will train with me? Evidently it’s too much to ask, and that sucks!
Saturday, December 15, 2018
It sucks when healthy friends move away!
So I had a pretty long blog post typed up and I deleted it. Why? Because why would anyone want to read something I had to force? I had worked on it several days, and I couldn’t ever complete the darn thing. So I’m done. Moving on...
Sunday, December 9, 2018
It’s been too long!
So, it’s been a long time. Since my last post I have had a baby, lost some friends that were healthy influences, changed jobs, had major surgery, and as a result I have gained some weight back. Too much weight!
I have been slowly trying to reintroduce healthier choices again, but I am failing. I just need to jump in both feet again. Guess what that means? Detoxing from bad food. I imagine it is how coming off drugs feel, but I would not know that feeling.
So here we go again, let’s do this.
I have been slowly trying to reintroduce healthier choices again, but I am failing. I just need to jump in both feet again. Guess what that means? Detoxing from bad food. I imagine it is how coming off drugs feel, but I would not know that feeling.
So here we go again, let’s do this.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Shaming Goes Both Ways!
It has been a long time, oops. Life has been crazy. We went on vacation, I ate whatever I wanted, I suffered later because my body did not like the food I fed it, good times! With that being said, we did have a fun time on vacation. We ate a lot of yummy food and had great family time. Just thought I would update since one of my last posts I was having a lot of anxiety about the food issue.
On to the purpose of my post today. Fat Shaming is everywhere. As a fat girl, I remember getting disgusted looks, people telling me I was fat, or just the "innocent" comment about my weight. I get it, fat shaming is out there and overweight people have to deal with it everyday. Now, I am seeing the other side of it and skinny shaming is totally a thing. I will say I am guilty of skinny shaming myself in the past. I made many comments to skinny people about how they were tiny. In fact, I did it frequently. I feel like I need to tell every skinny person from my past that I am sorry!
I do not know if it is just worse now or if I am more sensitive to it, but I see it every day! I even have people doing it to me. Last week I was asked twice if I ate anything besides vegetables. Now, that does not sound horrible in itself but it was the non verbal part that made it offending. Their lips curled and they had snark in their voice. I felt so defensive, because I felt like they were accusing me of starving myself. In reality I just worked really hard. I ate plenty of food and I ate nearly everything (in moderation). I also have many friends who are overweight and everyday I see them post memes about how sexy they are, or how only real men can handle their curves, blah blah blah. At the same time the wording implies that anyone without curves is NOT sexy. I am not going to say they are not sexy, in fact, I find their confidence is awesome. However, why must people put down healthy people in the process? I am getting even more annoyed with it as the days go by. Someday I may lose Facebook friends (OMG, the world may come to an end....or not) over the ordeal, but at least my concious will be clear.
It is a two way street, and I wish we could all just stop shaming each other. In a perfect world I guess, and we do not live in a perfect world.
On to the purpose of my post today. Fat Shaming is everywhere. As a fat girl, I remember getting disgusted looks, people telling me I was fat, or just the "innocent" comment about my weight. I get it, fat shaming is out there and overweight people have to deal with it everyday. Now, I am seeing the other side of it and skinny shaming is totally a thing. I will say I am guilty of skinny shaming myself in the past. I made many comments to skinny people about how they were tiny. In fact, I did it frequently. I feel like I need to tell every skinny person from my past that I am sorry!
I do not know if it is just worse now or if I am more sensitive to it, but I see it every day! I even have people doing it to me. Last week I was asked twice if I ate anything besides vegetables. Now, that does not sound horrible in itself but it was the non verbal part that made it offending. Their lips curled and they had snark in their voice. I felt so defensive, because I felt like they were accusing me of starving myself. In reality I just worked really hard. I ate plenty of food and I ate nearly everything (in moderation). I also have many friends who are overweight and everyday I see them post memes about how sexy they are, or how only real men can handle their curves, blah blah blah. At the same time the wording implies that anyone without curves is NOT sexy. I am not going to say they are not sexy, in fact, I find their confidence is awesome. However, why must people put down healthy people in the process? I am getting even more annoyed with it as the days go by. Someday I may lose Facebook friends (OMG, the world may come to an end....or not) over the ordeal, but at least my concious will be clear.
It is a two way street, and I wish we could all just stop shaming each other. In a perfect world I guess, and we do not live in a perfect world.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Vacation Anxiety
In ONE week we will be starting our week long vacation. We are going to a theme park for two days, camping, and then going to see family for a couple days. As our departure date gets closer I keep having more and more anxiety. My number one concern.... WHAT AM I GOING TO EAT?!
We have a large family, and a very small vehicle. We will be very limited on space and so we will have to be very picky on what we take. I think we will be able to fit a small cooler, but it wont fit much. So, that leaves us eating out. OMFG. This former fatty has a difficult time limiting myself when it comes to eating out. At home it is easy. I just do not go out to eat. However, if I am on the road and forced to eat out. Hellooooooo way too much bad for me food. I wont lie, my portion control sucks. I am not one of those people who can order a yummy dish and only eat a few bites from each item. By golly, if I order it, I will probably finish it.
This anxiety is causing me to overthink every. little. detail. of this trip. I know that I can take a few veggies and some various proteins and be fine. My children? Yeah, not so much. I can hear it now, "Mom I am HUNGRY. I ate a bunch of peanuts but broccoli? Ewww, gross!!" or, "I cannot eat anymore veggies mom, but I am still starving." I really do not tolerate whining well in public and my kids know this. The monsters exploit it. I can see it now, they complain so much I just cannot handle it anymore. No one is having fun because of the whining, and I cave. We will go to a food stand at the theme park to order food for them, and my tummy starts to rumble. The fatty inside wins and I end up eating something that has 1000 calories just because the kids know how to annoy me to my breaking point. (No, I do not let my kids run the house. I am just more likely to cave in a public setting. They always lose battles at home.)
I feel silly stressing about going on VACATION, but here I am freaking out. I had a conversation with my oldest and the hubby tonight and disclosed this anxiety. My husband and son, who can eat or drink anything and not gain a pound, did not understand. They looked at me like I had 3 heads. I tried to explain that they have never had a weight problem and/or had to lose weight, so they just cannot understand what it is like. They shrugged their shoulders and that was the end of it. Maybe another former fatty will get it. Who knows. Or maybe I am crazy? Logically I know that a week of eating whatever wont make me gain back all the weight I have lost, but I do not want to have to lose weight that I have already lost.
Another minor stressor is that I will not be able to work out at my level for that week. I can do some stuff, but I will not be able to kick my butt like I normally do. Poor food choices and lack of strenuous exercise for 1 week? FML. This is not vacation, it will be a stress fest!
Hope everyone has a fantastic week!
-Just Me
Sunday, July 12, 2015
My Story, My Journey
Today I was thinking about my journey. How I got to be this former fat chick who has some serious body issues that I struggle every day to get past, and I thought maybe it would be therapeutic to tell my story. Maybe it wont help me, but maybe somewhere out there it will help someone who is just beginning their journey.
I have had issues with my weight for as long as I can remember. I remember thinking about how fat I was in grade school. Every summer, I would vow to lose weight. I would vow to myself that I would only eat healthy foods and I would go back to school being super skinny. It never happened. I lived in an area that was not overweight. In fact, that area is still much leaner than the rest of the U.S. I cannot remember anyone telling me straight out that I was fat, but I knew I was. Looking at my pictures from that time in my life, I really was not horribly overweight, so it was all in my head. Freshman year in high school is when I started packing on the pounds. I lived with my dad and he provided endless supplies of pop and junk food. Prior to this time, my mom had limited those types of foods in our house. So when I moved to my dad's house and was allowed to have those foods, I went crazy. I remember my first yo-yo like it was yesterday. I was a junior in high school and gas in my car was more important to me than eating. So, I ate one $1.00 Burger King Chicken Sandwich each day, that was it. Suddenly, I noticed I was losing a lot of weight. My pants were falling off. I could not believe it. When I did start eating again, the weight packed on faster than it fell off. The scale started going up, and then I started working at a pizza joint. For years, most of my meals were pizza or breadsticks. On my days off, I would branch out and eat at other restaurants, but never cooked at home or ate vegetables (unless it was a potato, I love potatoes!). At 19, I would eat pizza once a day and then eat Jack In The Box at about 2am when I was coming home from work every. night. I would even bring pizza home to eat on my days off. I also had a Dr. Pepper habit that I have not even touched on. I bet I was drinking a GALLON of Dr. Pepper each day. It was the only liquid I would drink...
Then, it happened... I got pregnant with my oldest child. At that point I started eating SLIGHTLY better. My meals were still protein, fat, and carb heavy, but I was eating more than pizza and those double burgers with 3 types of cheese with fries and a Dr. Pepper. My weight when I went to the doc for my first prenatal appointment was 193lbs. A few months after delivery I was stoked when I weighed 167lbs, I remember looking at the chart and thinking that I was only classified as 'overweight' and I remember telling myself how I was going to get to a healthy weight. Yeah. Right. over the next 4 years I had two more children. I was pretty consistent at 200lbs which is where I maintained for many years.
When I was "done" having kids (or so I thought) I decided I was tired of being fat. This is where the yo-yo dieting got bad. I tried Atkins, lost a bunch of weight and gained it back. South Beach, lost a little weight and gained it back. I tried Isagenix, lost a little weight and gained it back. I remember wanting to try the OTC diet pills that made you shart yourself, but I could not afford them. I even tried to starve myself. I was looking for the next trend, the next answer. Every day I would scour the internet for the next craze that would make me skinny. I even joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. Never did I lose more than 20lbs. So I floated at that 200lbs mark. I wanted the quick answer. I wanted to wake up every day and be 5lbs lighter than the day before. It did not work that way so I gave up, each diet, one by one. When I finally decided I was never going to lose weight I told myself how 'confident' I was in myself. I tried to tell everyone that I was sexy and I loved to eat more than I cared about my weight. I told myself that I was a HEALTHY weight for my body type and that I was just as active as all of the thinner people.... Lies..... I hated myself, I could not run a mile to save my life, I was fat. I knew it. The world knew it. I was in denial.
This is where my story changes. My 10 year old daughter, my mini-me, is starting to have the same struggles. She has always been a bigger girl. Even when she was a baby she was larger than the normal baby. I hear her talk about how fat she is, and how she is not happy with her weight. I then watched her eat an entire bag of chips out of boredom, more than once. I was in denial for many years thinking that she was just a 'big girl' (read: not fat, but big boned). When she hit 143lbs, at 10, I decided we needed to change. We met with a dietician and talked about healthy food choices. We started buying fruits and veggies, and left the chips and the pop at the store. That is where my story started. My daughter goes in for her 11 year old well check in a few weeks, and I am hoping that she is at the very minimum maintaining her weight. I have NEVER made this known to her, but the reason I lost weight was trying to help her. I do not want my daughter to follow in my yo-yo diet footsteps. I want her to be healthy and happy with herself. We have always approached it by saying that we want to make sure she has all the nutrients needed for her big life change coming soon, but in the end, I did not want her to hate herself. I do not want my daughter to have FFGS, ever.
So there is my story in all of its glory. I hope you enjoyed the read. I have many ideas for great blogs, but for the last couple of weeks I have been crazy busy. My daughter and I are training for our very first 5K! I am super excited. I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful day and I hope it is not another week before I see you again!
-Just Me
I have had issues with my weight for as long as I can remember. I remember thinking about how fat I was in grade school. Every summer, I would vow to lose weight. I would vow to myself that I would only eat healthy foods and I would go back to school being super skinny. It never happened. I lived in an area that was not overweight. In fact, that area is still much leaner than the rest of the U.S. I cannot remember anyone telling me straight out that I was fat, but I knew I was. Looking at my pictures from that time in my life, I really was not horribly overweight, so it was all in my head. Freshman year in high school is when I started packing on the pounds. I lived with my dad and he provided endless supplies of pop and junk food. Prior to this time, my mom had limited those types of foods in our house. So when I moved to my dad's house and was allowed to have those foods, I went crazy. I remember my first yo-yo like it was yesterday. I was a junior in high school and gas in my car was more important to me than eating. So, I ate one $1.00 Burger King Chicken Sandwich each day, that was it. Suddenly, I noticed I was losing a lot of weight. My pants were falling off. I could not believe it. When I did start eating again, the weight packed on faster than it fell off. The scale started going up, and then I started working at a pizza joint. For years, most of my meals were pizza or breadsticks. On my days off, I would branch out and eat at other restaurants, but never cooked at home or ate vegetables (unless it was a potato, I love potatoes!). At 19, I would eat pizza once a day and then eat Jack In The Box at about 2am when I was coming home from work every. night. I would even bring pizza home to eat on my days off. I also had a Dr. Pepper habit that I have not even touched on. I bet I was drinking a GALLON of Dr. Pepper each day. It was the only liquid I would drink...
Then, it happened... I got pregnant with my oldest child. At that point I started eating SLIGHTLY better. My meals were still protein, fat, and carb heavy, but I was eating more than pizza and those double burgers with 3 types of cheese with fries and a Dr. Pepper. My weight when I went to the doc for my first prenatal appointment was 193lbs. A few months after delivery I was stoked when I weighed 167lbs, I remember looking at the chart and thinking that I was only classified as 'overweight' and I remember telling myself how I was going to get to a healthy weight. Yeah. Right. over the next 4 years I had two more children. I was pretty consistent at 200lbs which is where I maintained for many years.
When I was "done" having kids (or so I thought) I decided I was tired of being fat. This is where the yo-yo dieting got bad. I tried Atkins, lost a bunch of weight and gained it back. South Beach, lost a little weight and gained it back. I tried Isagenix, lost a little weight and gained it back. I remember wanting to try the OTC diet pills that made you shart yourself, but I could not afford them. I even tried to starve myself. I was looking for the next trend, the next answer. Every day I would scour the internet for the next craze that would make me skinny. I even joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. Never did I lose more than 20lbs. So I floated at that 200lbs mark. I wanted the quick answer. I wanted to wake up every day and be 5lbs lighter than the day before. It did not work that way so I gave up, each diet, one by one. When I finally decided I was never going to lose weight I told myself how 'confident' I was in myself. I tried to tell everyone that I was sexy and I loved to eat more than I cared about my weight. I told myself that I was a HEALTHY weight for my body type and that I was just as active as all of the thinner people.... Lies..... I hated myself, I could not run a mile to save my life, I was fat. I knew it. The world knew it. I was in denial.
This is where my story changes. My 10 year old daughter, my mini-me, is starting to have the same struggles. She has always been a bigger girl. Even when she was a baby she was larger than the normal baby. I hear her talk about how fat she is, and how she is not happy with her weight. I then watched her eat an entire bag of chips out of boredom, more than once. I was in denial for many years thinking that she was just a 'big girl' (read: not fat, but big boned). When she hit 143lbs, at 10, I decided we needed to change. We met with a dietician and talked about healthy food choices. We started buying fruits and veggies, and left the chips and the pop at the store. That is where my story started. My daughter goes in for her 11 year old well check in a few weeks, and I am hoping that she is at the very minimum maintaining her weight. I have NEVER made this known to her, but the reason I lost weight was trying to help her. I do not want my daughter to follow in my yo-yo diet footsteps. I want her to be healthy and happy with herself. We have always approached it by saying that we want to make sure she has all the nutrients needed for her big life change coming soon, but in the end, I did not want her to hate herself. I do not want my daughter to have FFGS, ever.
So there is my story in all of its glory. I hope you enjoyed the read. I have many ideas for great blogs, but for the last couple of weeks I have been crazy busy. My daughter and I are training for our very first 5K! I am super excited. I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful day and I hope it is not another week before I see you again!
-Just Me
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Clothes Shopping is Horrible as a Former Fat Girl!
Happy 4th of July! I hope everyone is having a safe and fun day!
Yesterday I was forced to go clothes shopping. In a few short weeks we are going on vacation to a water park and surprise, my swimming suit does not fit. FML. Swimming suit shopping is sheer torture for a former fat girl. I want to rock a two piece. I am now a healthy weight, I should be able to... WRONG. I put on several swimsuits and all I see is fat. All I see is how big I was, not the size I am now. I know this is not unique to me, because I have another not so fat friend who used to be overweight himself. We had a conversation about how he cannot see the weight he has lost either. He still feels like that fat guy too. Anyways, back to it.
When I was heavy, I went to the store and grabbed the first suit that looked like it would fit. I did not try it on, I did not care about color. It was something I knew I would hate wearing, and would not wear very often.
Yesterday, I tried on so many suits and I still came home with nothing. It was torture. One had too small of a top. One had a well fitting top but the bottom was way too big. The other, oh goodness gracious left nothing to the imagination. Even being a healthy weight, you cannot spill out of the top of a swimming suit. It looks bad. All the while, I was pointing out every single imperfection I saw. What the heck, I never did this as a fat girl. Yes, I hated myself and how I looked, but I did not stand in front of a mirror and jiggle my stomach or poke at my thighs. As a fat girl I avoided mirrors all together. I thought for sure once I was a healthy weight I would be happy. I would be excited to look in a mirror and admire my body...I wish.
Long story short, I did not find a suit yesterday. I went to nearly every shop in town, living in a small town sucks. I believe there are two or three more places I can go. I guess I know what I am doing tomorrow! Wish me luck.
Yesterday I was forced to go clothes shopping. In a few short weeks we are going on vacation to a water park and surprise, my swimming suit does not fit. FML. Swimming suit shopping is sheer torture for a former fat girl. I want to rock a two piece. I am now a healthy weight, I should be able to... WRONG. I put on several swimsuits and all I see is fat. All I see is how big I was, not the size I am now. I know this is not unique to me, because I have another not so fat friend who used to be overweight himself. We had a conversation about how he cannot see the weight he has lost either. He still feels like that fat guy too. Anyways, back to it.
When I was heavy, I went to the store and grabbed the first suit that looked like it would fit. I did not try it on, I did not care about color. It was something I knew I would hate wearing, and would not wear very often.
Yesterday, I tried on so many suits and I still came home with nothing. It was torture. One had too small of a top. One had a well fitting top but the bottom was way too big. The other, oh goodness gracious left nothing to the imagination. Even being a healthy weight, you cannot spill out of the top of a swimming suit. It looks bad. All the while, I was pointing out every single imperfection I saw. What the heck, I never did this as a fat girl. Yes, I hated myself and how I looked, but I did not stand in front of a mirror and jiggle my stomach or poke at my thighs. As a fat girl I avoided mirrors all together. I thought for sure once I was a healthy weight I would be happy. I would be excited to look in a mirror and admire my body...I wish.
Long story short, I did not find a suit yesterday. I went to nearly every shop in town, living in a small town sucks. I believe there are two or three more places I can go. I guess I know what I am doing tomorrow! Wish me luck.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
"Pasta Tastes Better Than Skinny Feels"
I came across a meme stating this today. It is not the first time I had seen this image, or variations of it. This time the image was a skinny girl (who was no more than a size 0) eating a plate of pasta.
The first time I saw the meme, I was obese. I was thinking, "Oh hell yeah! Forget being skinny, I can eat anything and everything I want." I remember the inner dialogue well. I still hear that voice often.
For any former fatty, like myself, it does not taste better. It feels MUCH better to be a healthy weight. I also know that I would not stop at that one bowl of pasta. The one bowl of pasta would turn into cookies and many unhealthy decisions, similar to pop. I have quit drinking pop many times over the years. Eventually, I have one and tell myself that one will not kill me. Then the next day I have another, and the day after that I have another. Suddenly, I am drinking one every day and my brain says, "oh you have had a rough day, you can have another today, it will be ok." Before I know it, I am not drinking water and all of my hydration for the day has been pop. This is how I became fat in the first place. Ok, maybe it was a contributing factor. Pop, eating out, and simple carbs all played their own part.
For someone who has never had a weight problem this type of thinking is ok, unless they develop a weight problem from it. As a former fatty, the second I start thinking this way I will balloon to my previous weight. Simple carbohydrates are a slippery slope for me and I know this. I love sugar, starch, pasta, and bread. BUT I LOVE being healthy MORE. So I will continue to eat my veggies, lean protein, nuts, fruits, and whole grains in moderation.
Back to the meme itself. I wonder who created it. My guess is, it was not that size 0 woman. I would even venture to guess the person who coined that phrase probably is not a healthy weight. I then think I should make a meme saying something like, being skinny is so much better than pasta. Maybe put a picture of a woman who is slightly overweight and wearing work out clothes eating a big head of broccoli. Then every time one of my Facebook friends posts an image saying it is better to eat pasta, I could post my image. Sadly, in our current culture people probably would not embrace it. I would probably be called bad words, be accused of fat shaming or something.
The first time I saw the meme, I was obese. I was thinking, "Oh hell yeah! Forget being skinny, I can eat anything and everything I want." I remember the inner dialogue well. I still hear that voice often.
For any former fatty, like myself, it does not taste better. It feels MUCH better to be a healthy weight. I also know that I would not stop at that one bowl of pasta. The one bowl of pasta would turn into cookies and many unhealthy decisions, similar to pop. I have quit drinking pop many times over the years. Eventually, I have one and tell myself that one will not kill me. Then the next day I have another, and the day after that I have another. Suddenly, I am drinking one every day and my brain says, "oh you have had a rough day, you can have another today, it will be ok." Before I know it, I am not drinking water and all of my hydration for the day has been pop. This is how I became fat in the first place. Ok, maybe it was a contributing factor. Pop, eating out, and simple carbs all played their own part.
For someone who has never had a weight problem this type of thinking is ok, unless they develop a weight problem from it. As a former fatty, the second I start thinking this way I will balloon to my previous weight. Simple carbohydrates are a slippery slope for me and I know this. I love sugar, starch, pasta, and bread. BUT I LOVE being healthy MORE. So I will continue to eat my veggies, lean protein, nuts, fruits, and whole grains in moderation.
Back to the meme itself. I wonder who created it. My guess is, it was not that size 0 woman. I would even venture to guess the person who coined that phrase probably is not a healthy weight. I then think I should make a meme saying something like, being skinny is so much better than pasta. Maybe put a picture of a woman who is slightly overweight and wearing work out clothes eating a big head of broccoli. Then every time one of my Facebook friends posts an image saying it is better to eat pasta, I could post my image. Sadly, in our current culture people probably would not embrace it. I would probably be called bad words, be accused of fat shaming or something.
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