It has been a long time, oops. Life has been crazy. We went on vacation, I ate whatever I wanted, I suffered later because my body did not like the food I fed it, good times! With that being said, we did have a fun time on vacation. We ate a lot of yummy food and had great family time. Just thought I would update since one of my last posts I was having a lot of anxiety about the food issue.
On to the purpose of my post today. Fat Shaming is everywhere. As a fat girl, I remember getting disgusted looks, people telling me I was fat, or just the "innocent" comment about my weight. I get it, fat shaming is out there and overweight people have to deal with it everyday. Now, I am seeing the other side of it and skinny shaming is totally a thing. I will say I am guilty of skinny shaming myself in the past. I made many comments to skinny people about how they were tiny. In fact, I did it frequently. I feel like I need to tell every skinny person from my past that I am sorry!
I do not know if it is just worse now or if I am more sensitive to it, but I see it every day! I even have people doing it to me. Last week I was asked twice if I ate anything besides vegetables. Now, that does not sound horrible in itself but it was the non verbal part that made it offending. Their lips curled and they had snark in their voice. I felt so defensive, because I felt like they were accusing me of starving myself. In reality I just worked really hard. I ate plenty of food and I ate nearly everything (in moderation). I also have many friends who are overweight and everyday I see them post memes about how sexy they are, or how only real men can handle their curves, blah blah blah. At the same time the wording implies that anyone without curves is NOT sexy. I am not going to say they are not sexy, in fact, I find their confidence is awesome. However, why must people put down healthy people in the process? I am getting even more annoyed with it as the days go by. Someday I may lose Facebook friends (OMG, the world may come to an end....or not) over the ordeal, but at least my concious will be clear.
It is a two way street, and I wish we could all just stop shaming each other. In a perfect world I guess, and we do not live in a perfect world.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
Vacation Anxiety
In ONE week we will be starting our week long vacation. We are going to a theme park for two days, camping, and then going to see family for a couple days. As our departure date gets closer I keep having more and more anxiety. My number one concern.... WHAT AM I GOING TO EAT?!
We have a large family, and a very small vehicle. We will be very limited on space and so we will have to be very picky on what we take. I think we will be able to fit a small cooler, but it wont fit much. So, that leaves us eating out. OMFG. This former fatty has a difficult time limiting myself when it comes to eating out. At home it is easy. I just do not go out to eat. However, if I am on the road and forced to eat out. Hellooooooo way too much bad for me food. I wont lie, my portion control sucks. I am not one of those people who can order a yummy dish and only eat a few bites from each item. By golly, if I order it, I will probably finish it.
This anxiety is causing me to overthink every. little. detail. of this trip. I know that I can take a few veggies and some various proteins and be fine. My children? Yeah, not so much. I can hear it now, "Mom I am HUNGRY. I ate a bunch of peanuts but broccoli? Ewww, gross!!" or, "I cannot eat anymore veggies mom, but I am still starving." I really do not tolerate whining well in public and my kids know this. The monsters exploit it. I can see it now, they complain so much I just cannot handle it anymore. No one is having fun because of the whining, and I cave. We will go to a food stand at the theme park to order food for them, and my tummy starts to rumble. The fatty inside wins and I end up eating something that has 1000 calories just because the kids know how to annoy me to my breaking point. (No, I do not let my kids run the house. I am just more likely to cave in a public setting. They always lose battles at home.)
I feel silly stressing about going on VACATION, but here I am freaking out. I had a conversation with my oldest and the hubby tonight and disclosed this anxiety. My husband and son, who can eat or drink anything and not gain a pound, did not understand. They looked at me like I had 3 heads. I tried to explain that they have never had a weight problem and/or had to lose weight, so they just cannot understand what it is like. They shrugged their shoulders and that was the end of it. Maybe another former fatty will get it. Who knows. Or maybe I am crazy? Logically I know that a week of eating whatever wont make me gain back all the weight I have lost, but I do not want to have to lose weight that I have already lost.
Another minor stressor is that I will not be able to work out at my level for that week. I can do some stuff, but I will not be able to kick my butt like I normally do. Poor food choices and lack of strenuous exercise for 1 week? FML. This is not vacation, it will be a stress fest!
Hope everyone has a fantastic week!
-Just Me
Sunday, July 12, 2015
My Story, My Journey
Today I was thinking about my journey. How I got to be this former fat chick who has some serious body issues that I struggle every day to get past, and I thought maybe it would be therapeutic to tell my story. Maybe it wont help me, but maybe somewhere out there it will help someone who is just beginning their journey.
I have had issues with my weight for as long as I can remember. I remember thinking about how fat I was in grade school. Every summer, I would vow to lose weight. I would vow to myself that I would only eat healthy foods and I would go back to school being super skinny. It never happened. I lived in an area that was not overweight. In fact, that area is still much leaner than the rest of the U.S. I cannot remember anyone telling me straight out that I was fat, but I knew I was. Looking at my pictures from that time in my life, I really was not horribly overweight, so it was all in my head. Freshman year in high school is when I started packing on the pounds. I lived with my dad and he provided endless supplies of pop and junk food. Prior to this time, my mom had limited those types of foods in our house. So when I moved to my dad's house and was allowed to have those foods, I went crazy. I remember my first yo-yo like it was yesterday. I was a junior in high school and gas in my car was more important to me than eating. So, I ate one $1.00 Burger King Chicken Sandwich each day, that was it. Suddenly, I noticed I was losing a lot of weight. My pants were falling off. I could not believe it. When I did start eating again, the weight packed on faster than it fell off. The scale started going up, and then I started working at a pizza joint. For years, most of my meals were pizza or breadsticks. On my days off, I would branch out and eat at other restaurants, but never cooked at home or ate vegetables (unless it was a potato, I love potatoes!). At 19, I would eat pizza once a day and then eat Jack In The Box at about 2am when I was coming home from work every. night. I would even bring pizza home to eat on my days off. I also had a Dr. Pepper habit that I have not even touched on. I bet I was drinking a GALLON of Dr. Pepper each day. It was the only liquid I would drink...
Then, it happened... I got pregnant with my oldest child. At that point I started eating SLIGHTLY better. My meals were still protein, fat, and carb heavy, but I was eating more than pizza and those double burgers with 3 types of cheese with fries and a Dr. Pepper. My weight when I went to the doc for my first prenatal appointment was 193lbs. A few months after delivery I was stoked when I weighed 167lbs, I remember looking at the chart and thinking that I was only classified as 'overweight' and I remember telling myself how I was going to get to a healthy weight. Yeah. Right. over the next 4 years I had two more children. I was pretty consistent at 200lbs which is where I maintained for many years.
When I was "done" having kids (or so I thought) I decided I was tired of being fat. This is where the yo-yo dieting got bad. I tried Atkins, lost a bunch of weight and gained it back. South Beach, lost a little weight and gained it back. I tried Isagenix, lost a little weight and gained it back. I remember wanting to try the OTC diet pills that made you shart yourself, but I could not afford them. I even tried to starve myself. I was looking for the next trend, the next answer. Every day I would scour the internet for the next craze that would make me skinny. I even joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. Never did I lose more than 20lbs. So I floated at that 200lbs mark. I wanted the quick answer. I wanted to wake up every day and be 5lbs lighter than the day before. It did not work that way so I gave up, each diet, one by one. When I finally decided I was never going to lose weight I told myself how 'confident' I was in myself. I tried to tell everyone that I was sexy and I loved to eat more than I cared about my weight. I told myself that I was a HEALTHY weight for my body type and that I was just as active as all of the thinner people.... Lies..... I hated myself, I could not run a mile to save my life, I was fat. I knew it. The world knew it. I was in denial.
This is where my story changes. My 10 year old daughter, my mini-me, is starting to have the same struggles. She has always been a bigger girl. Even when she was a baby she was larger than the normal baby. I hear her talk about how fat she is, and how she is not happy with her weight. I then watched her eat an entire bag of chips out of boredom, more than once. I was in denial for many years thinking that she was just a 'big girl' (read: not fat, but big boned). When she hit 143lbs, at 10, I decided we needed to change. We met with a dietician and talked about healthy food choices. We started buying fruits and veggies, and left the chips and the pop at the store. That is where my story started. My daughter goes in for her 11 year old well check in a few weeks, and I am hoping that she is at the very minimum maintaining her weight. I have NEVER made this known to her, but the reason I lost weight was trying to help her. I do not want my daughter to follow in my yo-yo diet footsteps. I want her to be healthy and happy with herself. We have always approached it by saying that we want to make sure she has all the nutrients needed for her big life change coming soon, but in the end, I did not want her to hate herself. I do not want my daughter to have FFGS, ever.
So there is my story in all of its glory. I hope you enjoyed the read. I have many ideas for great blogs, but for the last couple of weeks I have been crazy busy. My daughter and I are training for our very first 5K! I am super excited. I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful day and I hope it is not another week before I see you again!
-Just Me
I have had issues with my weight for as long as I can remember. I remember thinking about how fat I was in grade school. Every summer, I would vow to lose weight. I would vow to myself that I would only eat healthy foods and I would go back to school being super skinny. It never happened. I lived in an area that was not overweight. In fact, that area is still much leaner than the rest of the U.S. I cannot remember anyone telling me straight out that I was fat, but I knew I was. Looking at my pictures from that time in my life, I really was not horribly overweight, so it was all in my head. Freshman year in high school is when I started packing on the pounds. I lived with my dad and he provided endless supplies of pop and junk food. Prior to this time, my mom had limited those types of foods in our house. So when I moved to my dad's house and was allowed to have those foods, I went crazy. I remember my first yo-yo like it was yesterday. I was a junior in high school and gas in my car was more important to me than eating. So, I ate one $1.00 Burger King Chicken Sandwich each day, that was it. Suddenly, I noticed I was losing a lot of weight. My pants were falling off. I could not believe it. When I did start eating again, the weight packed on faster than it fell off. The scale started going up, and then I started working at a pizza joint. For years, most of my meals were pizza or breadsticks. On my days off, I would branch out and eat at other restaurants, but never cooked at home or ate vegetables (unless it was a potato, I love potatoes!). At 19, I would eat pizza once a day and then eat Jack In The Box at about 2am when I was coming home from work every. night. I would even bring pizza home to eat on my days off. I also had a Dr. Pepper habit that I have not even touched on. I bet I was drinking a GALLON of Dr. Pepper each day. It was the only liquid I would drink...
Then, it happened... I got pregnant with my oldest child. At that point I started eating SLIGHTLY better. My meals were still protein, fat, and carb heavy, but I was eating more than pizza and those double burgers with 3 types of cheese with fries and a Dr. Pepper. My weight when I went to the doc for my first prenatal appointment was 193lbs. A few months after delivery I was stoked when I weighed 167lbs, I remember looking at the chart and thinking that I was only classified as 'overweight' and I remember telling myself how I was going to get to a healthy weight. Yeah. Right. over the next 4 years I had two more children. I was pretty consistent at 200lbs which is where I maintained for many years.
When I was "done" having kids (or so I thought) I decided I was tired of being fat. This is where the yo-yo dieting got bad. I tried Atkins, lost a bunch of weight and gained it back. South Beach, lost a little weight and gained it back. I tried Isagenix, lost a little weight and gained it back. I remember wanting to try the OTC diet pills that made you shart yourself, but I could not afford them. I even tried to starve myself. I was looking for the next trend, the next answer. Every day I would scour the internet for the next craze that would make me skinny. I even joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. Never did I lose more than 20lbs. So I floated at that 200lbs mark. I wanted the quick answer. I wanted to wake up every day and be 5lbs lighter than the day before. It did not work that way so I gave up, each diet, one by one. When I finally decided I was never going to lose weight I told myself how 'confident' I was in myself. I tried to tell everyone that I was sexy and I loved to eat more than I cared about my weight. I told myself that I was a HEALTHY weight for my body type and that I was just as active as all of the thinner people.... Lies..... I hated myself, I could not run a mile to save my life, I was fat. I knew it. The world knew it. I was in denial.
This is where my story changes. My 10 year old daughter, my mini-me, is starting to have the same struggles. She has always been a bigger girl. Even when she was a baby she was larger than the normal baby. I hear her talk about how fat she is, and how she is not happy with her weight. I then watched her eat an entire bag of chips out of boredom, more than once. I was in denial for many years thinking that she was just a 'big girl' (read: not fat, but big boned). When she hit 143lbs, at 10, I decided we needed to change. We met with a dietician and talked about healthy food choices. We started buying fruits and veggies, and left the chips and the pop at the store. That is where my story started. My daughter goes in for her 11 year old well check in a few weeks, and I am hoping that she is at the very minimum maintaining her weight. I have NEVER made this known to her, but the reason I lost weight was trying to help her. I do not want my daughter to follow in my yo-yo diet footsteps. I want her to be healthy and happy with herself. We have always approached it by saying that we want to make sure she has all the nutrients needed for her big life change coming soon, but in the end, I did not want her to hate herself. I do not want my daughter to have FFGS, ever.
So there is my story in all of its glory. I hope you enjoyed the read. I have many ideas for great blogs, but for the last couple of weeks I have been crazy busy. My daughter and I are training for our very first 5K! I am super excited. I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful day and I hope it is not another week before I see you again!
-Just Me
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Clothes Shopping is Horrible as a Former Fat Girl!
Happy 4th of July! I hope everyone is having a safe and fun day!
Yesterday I was forced to go clothes shopping. In a few short weeks we are going on vacation to a water park and surprise, my swimming suit does not fit. FML. Swimming suit shopping is sheer torture for a former fat girl. I want to rock a two piece. I am now a healthy weight, I should be able to... WRONG. I put on several swimsuits and all I see is fat. All I see is how big I was, not the size I am now. I know this is not unique to me, because I have another not so fat friend who used to be overweight himself. We had a conversation about how he cannot see the weight he has lost either. He still feels like that fat guy too. Anyways, back to it.
When I was heavy, I went to the store and grabbed the first suit that looked like it would fit. I did not try it on, I did not care about color. It was something I knew I would hate wearing, and would not wear very often.
Yesterday, I tried on so many suits and I still came home with nothing. It was torture. One had too small of a top. One had a well fitting top but the bottom was way too big. The other, oh goodness gracious left nothing to the imagination. Even being a healthy weight, you cannot spill out of the top of a swimming suit. It looks bad. All the while, I was pointing out every single imperfection I saw. What the heck, I never did this as a fat girl. Yes, I hated myself and how I looked, but I did not stand in front of a mirror and jiggle my stomach or poke at my thighs. As a fat girl I avoided mirrors all together. I thought for sure once I was a healthy weight I would be happy. I would be excited to look in a mirror and admire my body...I wish.
Long story short, I did not find a suit yesterday. I went to nearly every shop in town, living in a small town sucks. I believe there are two or three more places I can go. I guess I know what I am doing tomorrow! Wish me luck.
Yesterday I was forced to go clothes shopping. In a few short weeks we are going on vacation to a water park and surprise, my swimming suit does not fit. FML. Swimming suit shopping is sheer torture for a former fat girl. I want to rock a two piece. I am now a healthy weight, I should be able to... WRONG. I put on several swimsuits and all I see is fat. All I see is how big I was, not the size I am now. I know this is not unique to me, because I have another not so fat friend who used to be overweight himself. We had a conversation about how he cannot see the weight he has lost either. He still feels like that fat guy too. Anyways, back to it.
When I was heavy, I went to the store and grabbed the first suit that looked like it would fit. I did not try it on, I did not care about color. It was something I knew I would hate wearing, and would not wear very often.
Yesterday, I tried on so many suits and I still came home with nothing. It was torture. One had too small of a top. One had a well fitting top but the bottom was way too big. The other, oh goodness gracious left nothing to the imagination. Even being a healthy weight, you cannot spill out of the top of a swimming suit. It looks bad. All the while, I was pointing out every single imperfection I saw. What the heck, I never did this as a fat girl. Yes, I hated myself and how I looked, but I did not stand in front of a mirror and jiggle my stomach or poke at my thighs. As a fat girl I avoided mirrors all together. I thought for sure once I was a healthy weight I would be happy. I would be excited to look in a mirror and admire my body...I wish.
Long story short, I did not find a suit yesterday. I went to nearly every shop in town, living in a small town sucks. I believe there are two or three more places I can go. I guess I know what I am doing tomorrow! Wish me luck.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
"Pasta Tastes Better Than Skinny Feels"
I came across a meme stating this today. It is not the first time I had seen this image, or variations of it. This time the image was a skinny girl (who was no more than a size 0) eating a plate of pasta.
The first time I saw the meme, I was obese. I was thinking, "Oh hell yeah! Forget being skinny, I can eat anything and everything I want." I remember the inner dialogue well. I still hear that voice often.
For any former fatty, like myself, it does not taste better. It feels MUCH better to be a healthy weight. I also know that I would not stop at that one bowl of pasta. The one bowl of pasta would turn into cookies and many unhealthy decisions, similar to pop. I have quit drinking pop many times over the years. Eventually, I have one and tell myself that one will not kill me. Then the next day I have another, and the day after that I have another. Suddenly, I am drinking one every day and my brain says, "oh you have had a rough day, you can have another today, it will be ok." Before I know it, I am not drinking water and all of my hydration for the day has been pop. This is how I became fat in the first place. Ok, maybe it was a contributing factor. Pop, eating out, and simple carbs all played their own part.
For someone who has never had a weight problem this type of thinking is ok, unless they develop a weight problem from it. As a former fatty, the second I start thinking this way I will balloon to my previous weight. Simple carbohydrates are a slippery slope for me and I know this. I love sugar, starch, pasta, and bread. BUT I LOVE being healthy MORE. So I will continue to eat my veggies, lean protein, nuts, fruits, and whole grains in moderation.
Back to the meme itself. I wonder who created it. My guess is, it was not that size 0 woman. I would even venture to guess the person who coined that phrase probably is not a healthy weight. I then think I should make a meme saying something like, being skinny is so much better than pasta. Maybe put a picture of a woman who is slightly overweight and wearing work out clothes eating a big head of broccoli. Then every time one of my Facebook friends posts an image saying it is better to eat pasta, I could post my image. Sadly, in our current culture people probably would not embrace it. I would probably be called bad words, be accused of fat shaming or something.
The first time I saw the meme, I was obese. I was thinking, "Oh hell yeah! Forget being skinny, I can eat anything and everything I want." I remember the inner dialogue well. I still hear that voice often.
For any former fatty, like myself, it does not taste better. It feels MUCH better to be a healthy weight. I also know that I would not stop at that one bowl of pasta. The one bowl of pasta would turn into cookies and many unhealthy decisions, similar to pop. I have quit drinking pop many times over the years. Eventually, I have one and tell myself that one will not kill me. Then the next day I have another, and the day after that I have another. Suddenly, I am drinking one every day and my brain says, "oh you have had a rough day, you can have another today, it will be ok." Before I know it, I am not drinking water and all of my hydration for the day has been pop. This is how I became fat in the first place. Ok, maybe it was a contributing factor. Pop, eating out, and simple carbs all played their own part.
For someone who has never had a weight problem this type of thinking is ok, unless they develop a weight problem from it. As a former fatty, the second I start thinking this way I will balloon to my previous weight. Simple carbohydrates are a slippery slope for me and I know this. I love sugar, starch, pasta, and bread. BUT I LOVE being healthy MORE. So I will continue to eat my veggies, lean protein, nuts, fruits, and whole grains in moderation.
Back to the meme itself. I wonder who created it. My guess is, it was not that size 0 woman. I would even venture to guess the person who coined that phrase probably is not a healthy weight. I then think I should make a meme saying something like, being skinny is so much better than pasta. Maybe put a picture of a woman who is slightly overweight and wearing work out clothes eating a big head of broccoli. Then every time one of my Facebook friends posts an image saying it is better to eat pasta, I could post my image. Sadly, in our current culture people probably would not embrace it. I would probably be called bad words, be accused of fat shaming or something.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
I Need New Friends
I posted a few days ago talking about how my friends "hate" me. Ever since that day, I have been contemplating if I even have anything in common with my friends anymore. Instead, they seem to be annoying me more than anything. It is a bad Taylor Swift song, "I eat good food, you eat junk food, I exercise, you watch TV." Ok, so I won't quit my day job and become a song writer.
When I was overweight, we liked to do similar things. We enjoyed going out to dinner and going to movies. Pretty much anything that involved food and entertainment. Now we have nothing. I want to go on hikes and push my body. They are not interested in those things. So I am left wondering if their interests are appealing to me anymore.
I also, do not want to hear the complaining about how they wish they could lose weight, like me, as they eat gas station fried food, a liter bottle of pop, and a king sized butterfinger for dinner. I mean COME ON!?! I also do not want to be tempted to go back to my old ways.
The crummy thing is, hubby and I don't get out much. Especially together. We work opposite shifts. It is great because we do not have to pay child care, but at the same time, we do not have many opportunities to meet like minded people. I remember when I was a kid and it was as easy as going up to a kid at the park and saying, "hey wanna be friends." I wish we could go back to those days.
Here is to hoping we find new friends.
When I was overweight, we liked to do similar things. We enjoyed going out to dinner and going to movies. Pretty much anything that involved food and entertainment. Now we have nothing. I want to go on hikes and push my body. They are not interested in those things. So I am left wondering if their interests are appealing to me anymore.
I also, do not want to hear the complaining about how they wish they could lose weight, like me, as they eat gas station fried food, a liter bottle of pop, and a king sized butterfinger for dinner. I mean COME ON!?! I also do not want to be tempted to go back to my old ways.
The crummy thing is, hubby and I don't get out much. Especially together. We work opposite shifts. It is great because we do not have to pay child care, but at the same time, we do not have many opportunities to meet like minded people. I remember when I was a kid and it was as easy as going up to a kid at the park and saying, "hey wanna be friends." I wish we could go back to those days.
Here is to hoping we find new friends.
Friday, June 26, 2015
A Fat Shaming Story
In my last post, I told you that I would share my fat shaming stories, well I will share one today.
So, I am a nurse. I graduated about a year ago. While in school there was this lady who I am fairly certain has FFGS. She has been a healthy weight since I have known her, but the way her body is shaped, her obsession with working out, and her horrible constant fat shaming makes me think there is more to the story than meets the eye. My nursing class consisted of 36 students, and THREE of us were overweight. Most of our fellow students were great, but this one....
Junior year came and it was time for honors papers. One day in class she blurts out, "I think I want to write my thesis on how INEFFECTIVE fat nurses are." I will just go ahead and let that sink in.
Has it sunk in yet? Maybe just another second?
She went on to ask how can a nurse tell a patient who is obese to eat better, if they are obese and are not healthy themselves. Once she went on to clarify, I could see her argument. It is a case of, "do as I say, not as I do." To put it a different way, you cannot tell someone to quit smoking as you light up and smoke in front of them. In the end, I got her message but her delivery was extremely offending.
Before she clarified herself, the whole classroom became uncomfortable. It was probably from the three of us who were overweight. I was so angry that day. Some of the most skilled and most compassionate nurses I have had were overweight. To say that they were bad nurses because they were overweight...Ohh my blood boiled. Well, that little comment has stuck with me since she said it. From that moment on I doubted my choice in profession because of her comment. I was afraid of patients like her. A nurse should never have to feel that way. Nurses are so important to the safety of patients, they should not have to worry about what people are thinking about their weight.
For anyone wondering, her thesis topic changed and evolved into something great. I saw her recently, and she made a nice comment about my weight loss. We will probably never be BFFs though.
So, I am a nurse. I graduated about a year ago. While in school there was this lady who I am fairly certain has FFGS. She has been a healthy weight since I have known her, but the way her body is shaped, her obsession with working out, and her horrible constant fat shaming makes me think there is more to the story than meets the eye. My nursing class consisted of 36 students, and THREE of us were overweight. Most of our fellow students were great, but this one....
Junior year came and it was time for honors papers. One day in class she blurts out, "I think I want to write my thesis on how INEFFECTIVE fat nurses are." I will just go ahead and let that sink in.
Has it sunk in yet? Maybe just another second?
She went on to ask how can a nurse tell a patient who is obese to eat better, if they are obese and are not healthy themselves. Once she went on to clarify, I could see her argument. It is a case of, "do as I say, not as I do." To put it a different way, you cannot tell someone to quit smoking as you light up and smoke in front of them. In the end, I got her message but her delivery was extremely offending.
Before she clarified herself, the whole classroom became uncomfortable. It was probably from the three of us who were overweight. I was so angry that day. Some of the most skilled and most compassionate nurses I have had were overweight. To say that they were bad nurses because they were overweight...Ohh my blood boiled. Well, that little comment has stuck with me since she said it. From that moment on I doubted my choice in profession because of her comment. I was afraid of patients like her. A nurse should never have to feel that way. Nurses are so important to the safety of patients, they should not have to worry about what people are thinking about their weight.
For anyone wondering, her thesis topic changed and evolved into something great. I saw her recently, and she made a nice comment about my weight loss. We will probably never be BFFs though.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
My Friends "Hate" Me
I went grocery shopping with my friend the other day. This is nothing new. She goes shopping with me frequently because my husband works on the weekends and I like the company. Every week I get roughly the same items, a cart full of fresh fruits and veggies and some meats. She also has her usual, she gets an iced mocha with extra chocolate syrup. The topic of my new, smaller, work clothes came up. She told me that a mutual friend of ours asked why I was selling a bunch of my old, larger, work clothes and she told her that I needed a smaller size. That is when she stated, "We both 'hate' you for being able to lose weight. You make it look so easy." I looked up at her with a look of shock on my face.
Now this friend, is overweight. She frequently complains about her weight and how all she wants to do is lose it, but when push comes to shove she does not make healthy choices. She continues to drink her calories in Dr. Pepper and fancy coffees and eat fast food instead of healthier options. My gut instinct told me to make a horrible comment about her choices, but I stopped myself.
So, why do people who were formally fat fall so easily into fat shaming? We were there at one time. We know how bad those words can hurt. WHY? My gut tells me it is because we do not want to be that person again. We do not want to be big again. So by putting others down, we are telling ourself that we will not go back down that road. Or maybe, it is because we were told those horrible things so many times we do not even think about it. We are just the sender instead of the receiver. Or hell, maybe it is because we have told ourself those things so many times the words just slip out. I do not know the answer. I have a couple stories about fat shaming that happened to me and I will share those stories at a later date.
For today, I will leave it there. I will say that I will make a conscious effort to not fat shame anyone, but my friends "hate" me. Good information to know.
Now this friend, is overweight. She frequently complains about her weight and how all she wants to do is lose it, but when push comes to shove she does not make healthy choices. She continues to drink her calories in Dr. Pepper and fancy coffees and eat fast food instead of healthier options. My gut instinct told me to make a horrible comment about her choices, but I stopped myself.
So, why do people who were formally fat fall so easily into fat shaming? We were there at one time. We know how bad those words can hurt. WHY? My gut tells me it is because we do not want to be that person again. We do not want to be big again. So by putting others down, we are telling ourself that we will not go back down that road. Or maybe, it is because we were told those horrible things so many times we do not even think about it. We are just the sender instead of the receiver. Or hell, maybe it is because we have told ourself those things so many times the words just slip out. I do not know the answer. I have a couple stories about fat shaming that happened to me and I will share those stories at a later date.
For today, I will leave it there. I will say that I will make a conscious effort to not fat shame anyone, but my friends "hate" me. Good information to know.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Why Would You Eat Something if it Makes You Feel Like Crap?
My cousin said those words to me one week ago when we were talking about diets and food allergies. She recently found out she is allergic to many different foods. She has been avoiding those foods for the last two months, and while we were talking she made the comment that food should not make you feel nauseas, bloated, or icky. When you are done eating you should feel the same, just not hungry.
This conversation has been in the back of my mind for the last week. It makes sense. Why would you eat something knowing you are going to feel crummy after eating it? How many times have we went somewhere and ate something high in fat/calories and we were miserable the rest of the night? (Hello pizza!) Well, today the WHY was reinforced in my mind. Sometimes, obligation is greater than your willpower. Here is where living with FFGS comes in. Today I felt OBLIGATED to eat food that I knew my stomach would not like, and I have been sick all day. Every month at our staff meeting, the company buys us lunch. Today, it was sandwiches from a local pizza joint. You know the kind, pizza crust as bread and all kinds of unhealthy meats. So, I had a small conversation in my head. If I DO NOT eat, everyone is going to be looking at me wondering why I am turning my nose up at this yummy meal that the fat chick in me would have scarfed down without thinking twice. Or, I eat it and be miserable. Well, you can guess what I chose. I looked over my options, made the best choice possible, and ate half a sandwich. Not 5 minutes later I was nauseas and sick to my stomach, and here I am 8 hours later still feeling the gut bomb. I doubt any of my coworkers would have noticed if I skipped over the sandwich and just ate items I had packed from home. So, the ANXIETY of "what will my coworkers think?" is what pushed me into this meal. Next time I will deal with the judgmental stares (if anyone notices) and tell my FFGS anxiety that nobody will notice.
Since I have become obsessed, yes obsessed, with what I am feeding my body, I have become almost hyper-aware of everyones food choices. I do not do it on purpose, but it happens. I know not everyone does this. It is my obsession, and I would venture to guess most ladies who have lost a lot of weight do the same. We spend so much time obsessing about what enters our body, it translates to other people. Like this lady at a wedding I was at a couple days ago, she went back three times and FILLED her plate each time. I was not watching her specifically, but I was watching the people walking away from the buffet line. I noticed a few people go back several times.
While we are on the topic of food, the US is so messed up. Consumers are lead to believe that items are healthy because companies put "LOW-FAT" on the label. Processed foods are so much cheaper than whole foods that families have to make it a priority in their budget to eat well. When we moved to a healthier diet, our grocery budget doubled. Why would a person choose an apple when they can get a frozen meal for the same price? Why does a bottled water cost more when you buy a meal at a huge fast food chain? Why can you get a double cheese burger for $1,49 (or a slice of pizza for $1.99) and a salad costs $4.99? What is wrong with our society? I was reading an article today talking about the introduction of processed foods after WW1. They were introduced as convenience foods and they cost more. Now, they are the cheapest food options. Oh how the times have changed. I wish we could go back to a society where junk food costs more, and healthy foods were cheaper. I would like to think that it would end our obesity epidemic, but I know it would not. Families would either eat less overall, or the increased cost would be detrimental to their budgets. We are so accustomed to convenience items, there is no turning back. Similar to smoking. When cigarettes went over $5.00 a pack I thought most people would quit smoking. WRONG. people still spend the money, no matter the cost. Wow, this ended up being a rather large vent. Sorry about that!
So, now that I have vented about something semi-related, but not really, I end the way I started. Why would YOU eat something if it makes you feel like crap?
-Just Me
This conversation has been in the back of my mind for the last week. It makes sense. Why would you eat something knowing you are going to feel crummy after eating it? How many times have we went somewhere and ate something high in fat/calories and we were miserable the rest of the night? (Hello pizza!) Well, today the WHY was reinforced in my mind. Sometimes, obligation is greater than your willpower. Here is where living with FFGS comes in. Today I felt OBLIGATED to eat food that I knew my stomach would not like, and I have been sick all day. Every month at our staff meeting, the company buys us lunch. Today, it was sandwiches from a local pizza joint. You know the kind, pizza crust as bread and all kinds of unhealthy meats. So, I had a small conversation in my head. If I DO NOT eat, everyone is going to be looking at me wondering why I am turning my nose up at this yummy meal that the fat chick in me would have scarfed down without thinking twice. Or, I eat it and be miserable. Well, you can guess what I chose. I looked over my options, made the best choice possible, and ate half a sandwich. Not 5 minutes later I was nauseas and sick to my stomach, and here I am 8 hours later still feeling the gut bomb. I doubt any of my coworkers would have noticed if I skipped over the sandwich and just ate items I had packed from home. So, the ANXIETY of "what will my coworkers think?" is what pushed me into this meal. Next time I will deal with the judgmental stares (if anyone notices) and tell my FFGS anxiety that nobody will notice.
Since I have become obsessed, yes obsessed, with what I am feeding my body, I have become almost hyper-aware of everyones food choices. I do not do it on purpose, but it happens. I know not everyone does this. It is my obsession, and I would venture to guess most ladies who have lost a lot of weight do the same. We spend so much time obsessing about what enters our body, it translates to other people. Like this lady at a wedding I was at a couple days ago, she went back three times and FILLED her plate each time. I was not watching her specifically, but I was watching the people walking away from the buffet line. I noticed a few people go back several times.
While we are on the topic of food, the US is so messed up. Consumers are lead to believe that items are healthy because companies put "LOW-FAT" on the label. Processed foods are so much cheaper than whole foods that families have to make it a priority in their budget to eat well. When we moved to a healthier diet, our grocery budget doubled. Why would a person choose an apple when they can get a frozen meal for the same price? Why does a bottled water cost more when you buy a meal at a huge fast food chain? Why can you get a double cheese burger for $1,49 (or a slice of pizza for $1.99) and a salad costs $4.99? What is wrong with our society? I was reading an article today talking about the introduction of processed foods after WW1. They were introduced as convenience foods and they cost more. Now, they are the cheapest food options. Oh how the times have changed. I wish we could go back to a society where junk food costs more, and healthy foods were cheaper. I would like to think that it would end our obesity epidemic, but I know it would not. Families would either eat less overall, or the increased cost would be detrimental to their budgets. We are so accustomed to convenience items, there is no turning back. Similar to smoking. When cigarettes went over $5.00 a pack I thought most people would quit smoking. WRONG. people still spend the money, no matter the cost. Wow, this ended up being a rather large vent. Sorry about that!
So, now that I have vented about something semi-related, but not really, I end the way I started. Why would YOU eat something if it makes you feel like crap?
-Just Me
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Why Am I Here?
So, lets start by saying that I am not a writer. Grammar and punctuation are not my strong suit. I am a science and math geek. Now that we have that out of the way, I can continue.
Recently I have lost weight, and I went from obese to a healthy weight. I have seen the scale change and I have had to buy smaller clothes (I will spare you the silly party .gif here). The problem is, when I look in the mirror I still see the fat girl I used to be. I still see the round waist and the double chin. So today, I did a Google search to try and see if there are others who have this problem or if I am just a freak with low self-esteem. That is when I came across the title Former Fat Girl Syndrome. I have seen that I am not alone, and many women go through this who lose weight.
So, what is Former Fat Girl Syndrome? Basically the Google pages I read talk about still being self-conscious about your body, disordered eating habits, being vulnerable to compliments, and fat shaming of others. I could not believe it when I read about FFGS because it was everything I was feeling. So naturally I looked for blogs that talked about it, and I did not find anything. I wanted to read how others have overcome these feelings. What did I find? Nada. It seems like women have the same issues as me, but do not talk about them? So whatever, I am here. Blogging is cheaper than therapy.
Ever since I started my weight loss journey I have been watching every item I put in my mouth. I have opted for healthy choices, instead of convenient options. Fresh instead of fried or frozen. I am sure you get my point. Well today, I realized exactly how DIFFICULT meals with others are. Today is Father's Day and my Mother-In-Law invited us to dinner. So, off we went. Dinner was steak, hot dogs, instant mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, watermelon, dinner rolls, and do not forget the cream pies. FML. I did not want to be rude, but I was looking at my offerings wondering how I was going to get past this meal without showing my cards. I do not eat corn. I do not eat instant ANYTHING. Watermelon is my least favorite fruit. So, steak was the only thing I felt like I could put in my mouth. Fortunately, I have a baby so we just shared a plate tonight. I dished up small amounts of everything and fed the baby the things I refused to eat. This was my first experience with homemade social meals since I have lost weight. When going to a restaurant it is easy. You can order what you want and nobody cares, but it is a whole different ball game when someone makes you a meal in their home. I left the IL's house hungry and had to go eat some veggies to feel full. As a fat chick, I would have eaten all of their offerings and probably had seconds -hating myself the entire time. I am glad I have the willpower to avoid the foods that would make me hate myself, but I am still not happy with myself in other ways.
So there I will end it tonight, a not so short introduction as to why I am here and a glimpse into what my reality looks like.
Recently I have lost weight, and I went from obese to a healthy weight. I have seen the scale change and I have had to buy smaller clothes (I will spare you the silly party .gif here). The problem is, when I look in the mirror I still see the fat girl I used to be. I still see the round waist and the double chin. So today, I did a Google search to try and see if there are others who have this problem or if I am just a freak with low self-esteem. That is when I came across the title Former Fat Girl Syndrome. I have seen that I am not alone, and many women go through this who lose weight.
So, what is Former Fat Girl Syndrome? Basically the Google pages I read talk about still being self-conscious about your body, disordered eating habits, being vulnerable to compliments, and fat shaming of others. I could not believe it when I read about FFGS because it was everything I was feeling. So naturally I looked for blogs that talked about it, and I did not find anything. I wanted to read how others have overcome these feelings. What did I find? Nada. It seems like women have the same issues as me, but do not talk about them? So whatever, I am here. Blogging is cheaper than therapy.
Ever since I started my weight loss journey I have been watching every item I put in my mouth. I have opted for healthy choices, instead of convenient options. Fresh instead of fried or frozen. I am sure you get my point. Well today, I realized exactly how DIFFICULT meals with others are. Today is Father's Day and my Mother-In-Law invited us to dinner. So, off we went. Dinner was steak, hot dogs, instant mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, watermelon, dinner rolls, and do not forget the cream pies. FML. I did not want to be rude, but I was looking at my offerings wondering how I was going to get past this meal without showing my cards. I do not eat corn. I do not eat instant ANYTHING. Watermelon is my least favorite fruit. So, steak was the only thing I felt like I could put in my mouth. Fortunately, I have a baby so we just shared a plate tonight. I dished up small amounts of everything and fed the baby the things I refused to eat. This was my first experience with homemade social meals since I have lost weight. When going to a restaurant it is easy. You can order what you want and nobody cares, but it is a whole different ball game when someone makes you a meal in their home. I left the IL's house hungry and had to go eat some veggies to feel full. As a fat chick, I would have eaten all of their offerings and probably had seconds -hating myself the entire time. I am glad I have the willpower to avoid the foods that would make me hate myself, but I am still not happy with myself in other ways.
So there I will end it tonight, a not so short introduction as to why I am here and a glimpse into what my reality looks like.
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